[ he's fine with vague because this still tells him what he's trying to gauge. he doesn't know much about that world, being the normal teenager he is, but he can at least sort of resonate with the idea.
"i can't ignore people's suffering, large or small." "people just think about their own interests, but if i ignore them and say it's none of my business, i won't get anywhere."
what this is actually doing is making him less mad about tobari being the way he is. ]
I get it. Sometimes you have to try even not knowing how it'll go, because it's better than letting things stay the same and knowing they won't improve. [ ... ] Are you doing all of this by yourself though?
[ it does. he wants to ask what caused it, if there were people he had that he lost or what may have come to pass that he's now alone, but he's also at least getting the idea he has to be careful with his questions.
still... he's noting it. ]
Even if you do end up not being the guy to solve it, you're the guy who's actually doing something. What's everybody else's excuse?
[ just saying. but... hm. yes. this. he's quiet for a second, and there's a sigh shortly after. ]
Don't worry about that, I'm kind of an expert at making things worse on my own. [ a joke, but still dry. ] I get why you said it and I understand, but... I don't know how to read this one. People have said I need to be honest with myself and I'm trying, but I don't get how to make that part fit.
[ so he doesn't blame anyone who doesn't do anything. it's dangerous and scary and sometimes you aren't ready to pay the price.
but well anyway. ]
... what makes you think it doesn't already fit? [ genuinely wondering ] You're trying, and that's enough. [ his main goal was to get yosuke out of denial and he feels like that's been done ] It's not some new puzzle piece you're introducing. You've had these feelings, you've just been sitting on them. Now you see them, but that doesn't mean they weren't a part of you.
[ hm... he gets that this is a sensitive topic at least even if it opens up a world of new questions. ]
Doesn't change much of what I said. [ trying comes with a cost and at least tobari is doing something. ] But it's a choice either way.
[ he will say that much. ]
It just doesn't fit the image. [ literally what image. ] Anyway, maybe I'm reading these "feelings" wrong. It's not like I've really had a friend like him before, so maybe it's just... making up for that? And then if I told him and it wasn't actually a thing then I kinda ruin everything and there goes my best friend. And breaking up that means ruining my entire friend group, too. Or at least losing all of my friends because they'd side with him and I wouldn't blame them.
assigns tobari literally standing in the middle of bostco on the compact phone with this teenager that he's adopting as his little brother talk about his gay spiral so he can just 🧍♂️ ]
[ how does someone sound both absolutely exhausted and mildly affectionate at once. you stupid fuck (brotherly) ]
Let's start with this: even if you break up with someone, you can still be friends. Might be awkward and tough at first, but it's doable. If someone's meant to be in your life, they will be.
You keep setting things up to be the end of the world, but you already took one step and everything's fine.
The next ones are up to you. No one's making you confess and no one's making you rush into things. But even if you do, that doesn't mean it's all over. Your friends are your friends. They're not all gonna up and leave over relationship drama.
No, but... [ he's this close to saying it's different but he realizes that's kind of a shitty viewing of his friends. ] ... you saw the stupid camping trip, everybody kinda has a very specific idea of who I am. A very specific not-into-guys idea. It's going to change things and I don't know how.
... also the chances of Yu finding someone better are higher. I don't know if I could do it after we broke up. [ so not only is he afraid of being outright rejected anyway, there's also having to fight the entire world for yu's attention even if they break up. ]
What are you—16? 17? [ assigns yosuke as slightly older than his own younger sister ] You probably don't know a lot of things right now.
[ about if he could be friends with yu after they broke up, about what his friends would think about him ]
You're even jumping to the conclusion that it won't work out. Have you considered for five seconds that everything could go right? Or, more realistically—like any other relationship, it'll be sometimes awkward, sometimes the best thing you've ever felt, sometimes really rough, and sometimes kind of just a normal day?
[ judging by the extremely long silence, no. no he has not considered for five seconds that everything could go right, why would he consider that? the man has seen his track record with girls (embarrassing.)
eventually... ]
I'll be 18 in a few months. [ so he at least nailed that part, but. ] Is this going to be a speech about how I have so much of my life to live to be deciding stuff like this?
... have you considered that maybe that means that your friendship can survive anything, and that a couple of romantic feelings don't even compare to the end of the world?
I'm sorry. [ kind of immediately after that. there's the sound of a breath like he's going to continue, but no, actually, he shuts up and leaves that to hang just to see if tobari shuts it down entirely again or not. ]
Yeah, no, I get it. [ ... ] ... if I'm being completely honest, I've kinda known how I've felt about him for months. And I didn't want to think about it because I'm not gay, and I didn't want to be, and especially not when he was leaving in the spring anyway. And instead, ever since we got here, the maze keeps finding ways to make me think about it, and now I kinda know why.
[ sometimes you decide because a dude is your eurydice that's why you keep seeing him everywhere and not because you're mildly insane about him. ]
I know even if he doesn't feel the same way, he wouldn't stop being my best friend. But I also keep thinking about how things went with somebody else and it's just... stupid. All of it. Why am I even telling you this?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
"i can't ignore people's suffering, large or small."
"people just think about their own interests, but if i ignore them and say it's none of my business, i won't get anywhere."
what this is actually doing is making him less mad about tobari being the way he is. ]
I get it. Sometimes you have to try even not knowing how it'll go, because it's better than letting things stay the same and knowing they won't improve. [ ... ] Are you doing all of this by yourself though?
no subject
there is a long silence here that probably tells a larger story. ]
… I thought I wasn’t.
[ . . . ]
Ah, well. Maybe I’m not the guy to solve much at all. Even still, old habits die hard.
[ with a note of wry, saddened amusement. but nonetheless. ]
My bad if I made anything worse for you. [ the closest he’ll get to apologizing ] Guess I just don’t want to see people make my mistakes.
no subject
still... he's noting it. ]
Even if you do end up not being the guy to solve it, you're the guy who's actually doing something. What's everybody else's excuse?
[ just saying. but... hm. yes. this. he's quiet for a second, and there's a sigh shortly after. ]
Don't worry about that, I'm kind of an expert at making things worse on my own. [ a joke, but still dry. ] I get why you said it and I understand, but... I don't know how to read this one. People have said I need to be honest with myself and I'm trying, but I don't get how to make that part fit.
no subject
[ so he doesn't blame anyone who doesn't do anything. it's dangerous and scary and sometimes you aren't ready to pay the price.
but well anyway. ]
... what makes you think it doesn't already fit? [ genuinely wondering ] You're trying, and that's enough. [ his main goal was to get yosuke out of denial and he feels like that's been done ] It's not some new puzzle piece you're introducing. You've had these feelings, you've just been sitting on them. Now you see them, but that doesn't mean they weren't a part of you.
no subject
Doesn't change much of what I said. [ trying comes with a cost and at least tobari is doing something. ] But it's a choice either way.
[ he will say that much. ]
It just doesn't fit the image. [ literally what image. ] Anyway, maybe I'm reading these "feelings" wrong. It's not like I've really had a friend like him before, so maybe it's just... making up for that? And then if I told him and it wasn't actually a thing then I kinda ruin everything and there goes my best friend. And breaking up that means ruining my entire friend group, too. Or at least losing all of my friends because they'd side with him and I wouldn't blame them.
[ sometimes you simply overthink anyway. ]
no subject
assigns tobari literally standing in the middle of bostco on the compact phone with this teenager that he's adopting as his little brother talk about his gay spiral so he can just 🧍♂️ ]
... Yosuke. What?
[ JUST. WHAT? ]
no subject
What part of that wasn't clear.
no subject
[ how does someone sound both absolutely exhausted and mildly affectionate at once. you stupid fuck (brotherly) ]
Let's start with this: even if you break up with someone, you can still be friends. Might be awkward and tough at first, but it's doable. If someone's meant to be in your life, they will be.
You keep setting things up to be the end of the world, but you already took one step and everything's fine.
The next ones are up to you. No one's making you confess and no one's making you rush into things. But even if you do, that doesn't mean it's all over. Your friends are your friends. They're not all gonna up and leave over relationship drama.
You wouldn't do that to them either, right?
no subject
... also the chances of Yu finding someone better are higher. I don't know if I could do it after we broke up. [ so not only is he afraid of being outright rejected anyway, there's also having to fight the entire world for yu's attention even if they break up. ]
no subject
[ about if he could be friends with yu after they broke up, about what his friends would think about him ]
You're even jumping to the conclusion that it won't work out. Have you considered for five seconds that everything could go right? Or, more realistically—like any other relationship, it'll be sometimes awkward, sometimes the best thing you've ever felt, sometimes really rough, and sometimes kind of just a normal day?
no subject
eventually... ]
I'll be 18 in a few months. [ so he at least nailed that part, but. ] Is this going to be a speech about how I have so much of my life to live to be deciding stuff like this?
no subject
You also don’t get to decide all of your own life. Your friends and this guy will make choices too.
But you wouldn’t care for them so much if they were a bunch of jackasses, right?
[ RIGHT,? ]
no subject
Right... but... [ but what? ] What if our choices don't match? What then?
no subject
And I'm willing to bet good money it once again won't be the end of the world.
no subject
[ so clearly not being together is the end? ]
no subject
no subject
I'm trying to figure out the, uh, extent of the romance here, dude.
no subject
If it's not, and you feel like saying something about it, then it's important enough that someone you call your best friend should be understanding.
[ . . . ]
Saying how much you care about someone can save them in ways you never thought, even if they can't answer you right away.
no subject
Speaking from experience?
no subject
[ and he can admit to this much, because yosuke has also given him a lot of honesty ]
... even if I couldn't say anything back due to other circumstances, I really was glad she told me.
no subject
Do you still get to talk to her? [ he's vaguely horrified by the thought something might have happened to this girl. ]
no subject
... No.
no subject
I'm sorry. [ kind of immediately after that. there's the sound of a breath like he's going to continue, but no, actually, he shuts up and leaves that to hang just to see if tobari shuts it down entirely again or not. ]
no subject
[ so it's an apology he won't accept again ]
The sentiment is appreciated though. [ a beat ] So maybe that's why I'm a little pushy about you at least giving it a try.
Even if it doesn't work out perfectly, that doesn't mean it's not worth something.
no subject
Yeah, no, I get it. [ ... ] ... if I'm being completely honest, I've kinda known how I've felt about him for months. And I didn't want to think about it because I'm not gay, and I didn't want to be, and especially not when he was leaving in the spring anyway. And instead, ever since we got here, the maze keeps finding ways to make me think about it, and now I kinda know why.
[ sometimes you decide because a dude is your eurydice that's why you keep seeing him everywhere and not because you're mildly insane about him. ]
I know even if he doesn't feel the same way, he wouldn't stop being my best friend. But I also keep thinking about how things went with somebody else and it's just... stupid. All of it. Why am I even telling you this?
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)